someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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