I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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