i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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