You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
