He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
