Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
