Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
