Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
