Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
