I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
