Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
