i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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