i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
