Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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