Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
