...so i touched it.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
