I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
