I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
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Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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