I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
