I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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