remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
