omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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