She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
