yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
