Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?