Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She even gives head with a lisp.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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