I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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