it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
