"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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