Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
