I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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