Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
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