Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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