No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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