He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
