It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
it's like heaven, but drunker
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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