I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
