Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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