Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
