Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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