nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
