so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
