Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
