I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
