Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
