One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
