So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Are my feet made of real feet?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
