I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
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my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM VODKA MAN
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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