my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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