I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
