Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
