You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
