dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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