dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
