RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
