I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
